Small Son is Five Different Levels of Hilarious

The scene: This morning in our living room, around 6 AM.

The players: Small Son and I. I am very sleepy and wearing my broken glasses. Small Son, for reasons known only to him, has taken off both his pajama pants and night time diaper, and is casually sitting on the couch, naked from the waist down, as you can only do when you are 3.

(A commercial for Kung Fu Panda comes on the TV, a movie I bought for Small Son on Saturday, and one that he has already seen 6-7 times over the weekend.)

Small Son: "Ooh! Happy Panda!" (note: Small Son does not understand what the eff Kung Fu means, and therefore has re-titled the movie as he sees fit.)

Commercial Announcer: "In stores now!"

Small Son: "Not in store, in my room. *munches on Baked Tostito* (note: Yes, I gave my kid Tostitos for breakfast. But he really wanted them, and I did offer oatmeal, and they are baked, and he was crying, and it was 6 AM, and OMG DO NOT JUDGE ME! Ahem.) "Mama, go get Happy Panda. *pause* Please."

Me: *Sigh* "Okay." (thinking how smart Small Son is for knowing that the movie is in his room and not at the store. My child? GENIUS! Someone call Mensa for early admission!)

I come back with "Happy Panda" and find Small Son wiggling all over the couch.

Me: "What's wrong?"

Small Son: "I have chip in my booty."

Me: "..." (Mentally hangs up on Mensa)

Kids are the best, aren't they?

Happy Birthday, Small Son!

Not much to post today, except that Small Son is 3 today! We're actually keeping it kind of low key. I mean, he's 3. He has many, many years of Insane Birthday Parties That Drive Mommy To Drink ahead of him. So tonight, we're going to our favorite Mexican place, as is tradition (The Husband and I had Mexican the night they put me in the hospital to induce because Small Son was already OMG so huge in utero.)And, since it's his birthday, I won't even attempt to make Small Son eat anything that even vaguely resembles real food. It's all fried ice cream, all the time!

Here are some more pictures of the birthday boy, taken this weekend.

If This Does Not Make You Smile, You Are Dead Inside

I usually don't post many pictures of my Small Son, but this batch had to be shared with the world. Behold, Small Son+ Bored Rachel x Pantene Extra Volume Mousse= Hilarity

Small Son loves his mousse-y do!





"Maybe if I close my eyes and push really hard, my hair will become EVEN POOFIER!"





"Now I strike a pose..."






"Aaaaand... I'm over this. Seriously. I kind of hate you guys right now."





Hahaha! Oh, the toddler years, when you can make your kid look silly, and there's not much they can do about it. That's why this year for Halloween, Small Son is going as a Spartan warrior, ala The 300, complete with eyeliner-drawn abs, and a gold diaper (and some sort of clothes under it, Mom, I promise. I won't send your only grandbaby out all nekkid in the cold!) Expect pics to follow! (Also, Felicia, doesn't he look wierdly like Colin in that last pic? I'm about to ask John if he was ever in Cali in 1998, because if he was, he gots some 'splainin to do! As do you! ;) )

A Pox Upon Our House!

Small Son has the Chicken Pox.

Now, you may be thinking, "But wait. Isn't Small Son, you know, small? Didn't he get the Chicken Pox vaccine?"

And the answer is yes, yes he did. But it turns out that the CP vaccine only prevents really serious cases, so little kids can still get a mild version of it. So Small Son only has maybe 20 pox, and they aren't itchy or gross or anything, but he's still running a fever and making that "eh-heh,eh-heh, eh-heh," sound toddlers make when they don't feel good. He's pitiful.

But then, so am I. You see, Small Son has not been sleeping while sick, which means I have not been sleeping. Last night he didn't go to sleep until 9 (he's usually down by around 6), and then he woke up at 4, whereupon he promptly projectile vomited all over me. I was understandably grossed out and feeling very sorry for Small Son. I was also VERY tired, but I soldiered on, thinking I would nap when he napped.

EXCEPT NOT.

Because Small Son did not nap at all today. Despite being awake since 4 AM!

He finally passed out on the couch for about 10 minutes at 5 or so this evening, but then he was up and running around and crazy until I finally just put him in his bed at 6 and turned on a movie. I haven't heard from him since. Behold, the power of Teletubbies!

It seems appropriate that all of this is happening the week of Mother's Day because times like these are really what makes you feel like a Mommy. I mean, The Husband has been SUPER helpful with all of this, but at the end of the day, taking care of a sick kid is a Mommy Job. It's like there's something in you that physically hurts when your baby hurts. The Husband could go back to sleep this morning at 4 after Small Son was cleaned up. I never would have been able to do that.

It makes me think of the week after Small Son was born, and he had to go back into the hospital for 4 days because he had a pretty bad case of jaundice. The hospital room was tiny, and there was no way more than one person could have stayed in there overnight. So for 3 nights, I stayed by myself in that tiny, hot room, watching Teeny Baby Son on his "bili-bed"- basically a tray of lights, meaning Teeny Baby Son had to be blindfolded and naked. He was like a tiny political prisoner. He had to have an IV, and he was pretty miserable because we couldn't pick him up much. That first night, I didn't sleep at all. I just hovered around his bed, cleaning him up (remember, naked= no diaper). I'd been peed on, pooped on, and spit-up on.

I looked at my week-old baby, wanting my own mom, and thought, "This is it. This is Mommyhood by fire."

And it most definitely was, but being exhausted, and lonely, and covered with baby effluence was weirdly... okay. It was certainly better than the idea of being back at my house in my nice cozy bed, worrying about him. And that's when I knew that the love you feel for your kid is different than any other love you'll ever know. I think the love that flows from parent to child is the only true unconditional love in the world. So even though Small Son has made me crizzazy today, it's just part of the job description.

So Happy (Early) Mother's Day, both to my friends who are Moms and my friends who have Moms, so...um...everybody. God, I need a nap. :)

Why, Apple! You're so close to Tree!

Slowly but surely, Small Son is morphing into The Husband. For example, one of The Husband's "catchphrases" is "I got this!" Sometimes he says this nicely, like when Small Son was a Teeny Baby Son and I was literally too tired to give him a bottle. So The Husband picked up Teeny Baby Son, took the bottle, and said, "I got this."

Other times, he says it when he's irritated with me, like if I've said, "You're not loading the dishwasher correctly," he will snap, "I GOT THIS!"

So last night, Small Son was riding his tricycle in the driveway, which has become his favorite new activity. We have to hide the trike in the garage in the mornings because if he sees it as we're heading out to daycare, he will totally lose his shit and start screaming, "BIKE! RIDE BIKE!" To paraphrase from Knocked Up, I wish I loved anyhthing as much as my kid loves his bike.

Small Son was riding to his heart's content last night when I noticed that the water hose was in his path (and let me just say that as a girl who grew up in the deep Deep South, I have to fight the urge to refer to a water hose as a "hose pipe." It's a struggle). I got up to move said hose pi- um... water hose from Small Son's path, but he just drove right over it, flashed me the most disdainful look a toddler can manage and cried, "I got this!"

Sigh. Like one of them wasn't bad enough...