Sunday, February 8, 2009

"I Keep"- Or, The Most Heinous Pick-Up Line Ever Uttered.

It is a freaking beautiful day here in AL today. Low 70s, nice breeze, blue skies... one of those days that makes me very grateful to live in this part of the country. And the general Spring-esqueness (that's right; totally made up a word, as is my right as a professional writer!) of today has me thinking of Springs past.

Specifically, Spring Breaks. And this leads me to think of the absolute worst pick up line I have ever had the misfortune to witness. Yes, witness. Thank God, this terrible line was uttered to a friend of mine and not me. And trust me, that was awkward enough. Now, this pick-up line is probably not the grossest you've ever heard, or even the funniest (that one belongs to Carrie Harris, methinks!) But for sheer cheesy, awkward, "Holy Crap, Did He Really Just Say That Because DAMN?" factor, I don't think this one can be beat.

The Worst Pick-Up Line Ever occurred on Spring Break my senior year of college. After 3 straight years of debauchery, drama, and glittery sunblock that left me with the weirdest tan ever- white "freckles", yay!- I had decided to lay low that year, and spend my last Spring Break chilling at The Mama's house in Dothan. ALSO lying low that year in D-Town was my BFF (who I've been BFFs with since I was 7, which is kind of amazing.) I was bored one day, and called The BFF to see if she wanted to drive down to Panama City, FL, for the day as PCB is very close to Dothan. She did, but we decided just to do lunch down there as it was too cold for any beach action.

We went to one of our favorite seafood places down there, looking forward to fried shrimp and cold beer.

Then our waiter appeared.

Now, The BFF is a very pretty girl, and the waiter apparently took quite the shine to her, because he proceeded to spend the next hour trying to hit that like the fist of an angry god.

Here's where I get kind of snobby and elitist, but whatever. There are certain professions in which I feel hitting on/talking excessively to people is both rude and annoying: Manicurists- oh please, God, check out my friend Felicia's tale of the World's Worst Pedicure Girl-, masseuses, and waiters. It's unfair because you are literally held captive by these people. So when Skeevy Waiter commenced his wooing of The BFF, we COULD NOT ESCAPE.

It started off harmless enough, asking us (and by us, I mean The BFF)if we were down for Spring Break. When we said we were, he asked us where we were staying. We told him we were just down for the day, and he made this exaggerated sad face and said, "Oh, man, that's too bad. I get off at seven, and I was hoping to show you the town."

Show. You. The. Town. This was 2002, people.

Oh, but it gets so much worse.

This is...not what he looked like. But it's what his soul probably looked like.

Once he said that, The BFF and I shot each other WTF? looks. First off, I mean, show you the town. Whatevs. Secondly, presumptuous much?

He continues to be annoying, asking The BFF what she's studying at Auburn, does she have a boyfriend, etc., etc. Now some of you may be wondering why we did not tell Skeevy Waiter to eff off at this point. I think the main problem is that The BFF and I are both Nice Southern Girls, and we will be polite even if you are stabbing us with forks. However, we were definitely both employing Cool Politeness, which most men recognize as the Nice Southern Girl way of saying "Eff off." Later, when discussing The Horror that was Skeevy Waiter, The BFF and I decided he could not have been from "these parts," as this was the only excuse for not understanding Cool Politeness.

Needless to say, the lunch was the opposite of enjoyable. We cringed every time he walked over the the table, The BFF refused to allow me to go to the bathroom, lest he attack her while she was alone and vulnerable, and we scarfed down our food so that we could get the hell out of there.

Skeevy Waiter came over and noticed that The BFF still has some seafood pasta left. So he asked her if she wanted a box, and said in this joking (skeevy) manner, "Want me to box that up? Take it back to Dooooothaaaan?"

The BFF shook her head. "I don't think it'll keep."

Then he winked at her and said IT. The Worst Pick-Up Line Ever.

"Wanna put me in a box and take me back to Dothan? I keep."


I made a noise that was neither a gasp nor a laugh nor a snort, but a mix of all three (a galaughort? A lasnorasp?) and covered my face with my menu. That is how much I could not handle the badness of what he had said.

The BFF, EVEN MORE HILARIOUSLY, merely stared straight ahead, face completely impassive, AND PUT HER SUNGLASSES ON. It was so Audrey Hepburn/Blair Waldorf. (Also, this is what Nice Southern Girls will do if you push us too far. We will literally deny your existence.)

"I have my Sunglasses of Oblivion on. You have vanished into the ether, Skeevy Waiter."- The BFF

That finally seemed to get through to him (which- how sad is that? Girls have to laugh at you/will you out of the universe to make you get a clue), and he brought us our check, this time with no side of sexual harassment. After that, we threw some money on the table and ran- no exaggeration. We ran- out of the restaurant.

To this day, The BFF and I still reference the dreaded "I keep" incident, although when we say it, we crook a pinkie near our mouths, ala Dr. Evil. Skeey Waiter obviously did not make that gesture, but it was so implied.

We sometimes wonder if Skeevy Waiter looks back on that moment and thinks, "'I keep?' WTF? Why did I say that? WHY?!"

Somehow, I doubt it.


Tiffany said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OMG! WHY have I not heard that story before?!? Hilarity!

Rachel Hawkins said...

Tiffy: I don't know why I've never shared this delightful anecdote with you! Especially seeing as how it's maybe THE most hilarious thing that ever happened to me! Sad day. Of course, I think you were witness to the Number One Most Hilarious Thing Ever; The Lake Martin Skinny-Dipping Incident. ;)

Shelli said...

hilarious :)

Felicia said...

I Keep??? Seriously? Lmao Wow. Just Wow.

Tiffany said...

Rae- How on Earth do you remember so many great stories!! I had completely forgotten about the skinny dipping in Lake Martin incident!! That lucky bastard! All he did was walk his dog and he got a free peep show! (That is the correct "Lake Martin Skinny-Dipping Incident" right?)

KatMat said...

I love you! Lord have mercy that was funny! What was so horrible about the incident was how over the whole Spring Break thing we both were. I mean anyone that has grown up close to the coast understands the SB hookup. Once a year they remove all the resident Floridians and replace them with boys from Ohio that use hair gel and want to hook up. We really just wanted to eat...