Love On the Rocks, Ain't No Surprise...

Neil sees into your soul!



I'm somewhat meh on American Idol this year, mostly because they got rid of the hot Austrailian dude, and also because I thought they had a lot more talent this year than they ever had before, and yet all that talent has kind of...um... gone wonky. Like, have you looked in that Brooke chick's eyes here lately? I mean, really looked? It's scary.

But now American Idol is thoroughly dead to me and it's all thanks to Neil Diamond. He was last night's mentor, and this thought filled me with glee as we here at Chez Hawkins LOVE Neil Diamond. In fact, as soon as we heard he was going to be the mentor, we immediately launched into our impression of Will Ferrell's impression of Neil Diamond, complete with a lot of screeching things like, "No, I will leave you IN!" and "I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm NEIL DIAMOND, and "I can turn invisible if I really try hard!" Oh, and our favorite, "Few people know I'm fuled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants." Then we sang, "EveryWHERE aROUND the WORLD, they're comin' to AMERICA," in our best raspy voices. It was great. You can see the Will Ferrell clip here.

But far and away, the part I was most excited about was waiting to see who would sing my favorite Neil Diamond song ever, Love on the Rocks. If you have never heard that song, you need to get thee to iTunes or wherever you get you music from and download it NOW. Go ahead. I'll wait.


Okay, you're back? Great. Now tell me that song did not just rock your face off. I don't think there is any song that better captures that feeling of sitting next to some sad old drunk dude at a bar, completely wasted on some sad old drunk dude drink like Maker's Mark, or Seagrams 7, blubbering about his misspent life. As it heads into the chorus, it captures the moment when Sad Old Drunk Dude suddenly shifts from maudlin to rage-filled, and starts gesturing wildly with his nasty drink and shrieking about how the working man is kept down in America, or some other crazy stuff. And then it goes right back into minor key sadness, not unlike the Sad Old Drunk Dude will go back to his drink, crying about how he never should have left his second wife. Good, good times.

So there I was, on the edge of my seat, waiting for which of the Final Five would whip out the awesome and insane drama of Love on the Rocks. And I waited. And waited some more. Then I got kind of excited, because Crazy Brooke sang I Am, I Said, which is my second favorite whacked out Neil song. It's such a weird song, because if you're in the right frame of mind, it can actually get to you. And just as you're thinking, "Yeah, Neil! You are, you say!" he utters the worst lyric known to man:

"I am, I said
to no one there.
And no one heard at all,
not even the chair."

Really, Neil? Not even the chair? And you were...um... surprised by this? Does your chair usually hear you and give you sage, chairlike advice? Maybe his chair was Chairy from Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

And then, just as you're processing the whole "OMG, MY CHAIR DID NOT HEAR ME MAKE MY HUMANIST STATEMENT!!!11" issue, this little gem comes along:

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one.

Yeah, it IS the same! I mean, except for him being a frog. Or a king. Or shifting from frog to king. But he's right, other than the names and a few other changes, that is TOTALLY the Neil Diamond story!

So while I enjoyed the craziness of anyone singing I Am, I Said, I still waited with baited breath for some Love on the Rocks action.

And yeah, nothing. NOTHING. No one sang my beloved song, and I would have given my left male body part I do not have to see David Archuletta sing it. Or Jason Castro, as his weird stoner vibe would have been hilarious when applied to a Sad Old Drunk Dude song.

So FOR SHAME, American Idol Final Five! You've let me down. And even worse, you let Neil down. I Am (Pissed), I Said.