Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Love On the Rocks, Ain't No Surprise...

Neil sees into your soul!

I'm somewhat meh on American Idol this year, mostly because they got rid of the hot Austrailian dude, and also because I thought they had a lot more talent this year than they ever had before, and yet all that talent has kind gone wonky. Like, have you looked in that Brooke chick's eyes here lately? I mean, really looked? It's scary.

But now American Idol is thoroughly dead to me and it's all thanks to Neil Diamond. He was last night's mentor, and this thought filled me with glee as we here at Chez Hawkins LOVE Neil Diamond. In fact, as soon as we heard he was going to be the mentor, we immediately launched into our impression of Will Ferrell's impression of Neil Diamond, complete with a lot of screeching things like, "No, I will leave you IN!" and "I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm NEIL DIAMOND, and "I can turn invisible if I really try hard!" Oh, and our favorite, "Few people know I'm fuled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants." Then we sang, "EveryWHERE aROUND the WORLD, they're comin' to AMERICA," in our best raspy voices. It was great. You can see the Will Ferrell clip here.

But far and away, the part I was most excited about was waiting to see who would sing my favorite Neil Diamond song ever, Love on the Rocks. If you have never heard that song, you need to get thee to iTunes or wherever you get you music from and download it NOW. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Okay, you're back? Great. Now tell me that song did not just rock your face off. I don't think there is any song that better captures that feeling of sitting next to some sad old drunk dude at a bar, completely wasted on some sad old drunk dude drink like Maker's Mark, or Seagrams 7, blubbering about his misspent life. As it heads into the chorus, it captures the moment when Sad Old Drunk Dude suddenly shifts from maudlin to rage-filled, and starts gesturing wildly with his nasty drink and shrieking about how the working man is kept down in America, or some other crazy stuff. And then it goes right back into minor key sadness, not unlike the Sad Old Drunk Dude will go back to his drink, crying about how he never should have left his second wife. Good, good times.

So there I was, on the edge of my seat, waiting for which of the Final Five would whip out the awesome and insane drama of Love on the Rocks. And I waited. And waited some more. Then I got kind of excited, because Crazy Brooke sang I Am, I Said, which is my second favorite whacked out Neil song. It's such a weird song, because if you're in the right frame of mind, it can actually get to you. And just as you're thinking, "Yeah, Neil! You are, you say!" he utters the worst lyric known to man:

"I am, I said
to no one there.
And no one heard at all,
not even the chair."

Really, Neil? Not even the chair? And you surprised by this? Does your chair usually hear you and give you sage, chairlike advice? Maybe his chair was Chairy from Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

And then, just as you're processing the whole "OMG, MY CHAIR DID NOT HEAR ME MAKE MY HUMANIST STATEMENT!!!11" issue, this little gem comes along:

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one

Yeah, it IS the same! I mean, except for him being a frog. Or a king. Or shifting from frog to king. But he's right, other than the names and a few other changes, that is TOTALLY the Neil Diamond story!

So while I enjoyed the craziness of anyone singing I Am, I Said, I still waited with baited breath for some Love on the Rocks action.

And yeah, nothing. NOTHING. No one sang my beloved song, and I would have given my left male body part I do not have to see David Archuletta sing it. Or Jason Castro, as his weird stoner vibe would have been hilarious when applied to a Sad Old Drunk Dude song.

So FOR SHAME, American Idol Final Five! You've let me down. And even worse, you let Neil down. I Am (Pissed), I Said.


Amie Stuart said...


Just HOWLING! OMG My mom was a big ND fan, thus I am not. It's the persnickety kid in me but damn kings and frogs and empty chairs....I may have to reconsider.

Dallas said...

I never did like Neil Diamond, and I always thought is was weird that my friend in fifth grade had a poster of him hanging inside her closet (her mom wouldn't let her put holes in the actual wall). Anyways, the talk of Neil makes me think of that movie, I think it's called "Saving Silverman," because they are on some quest to find him in the end. Good times.

Felicia said...

Oooooh. Me loves the new blog template. Very writery. And that's totally a word.
I love me some Neil. Sweet Caroline always always puts me in a good mood. I even have Colin singing it in the car. Good times!

Anonymous said...

Oh, gawd, Neil Diamond. Takes me right back to spirit week in college (the first time) when my dorm decided to theme our entries into EVERYTHING after ND. I don't remember much (can't imagine why) other than the guys from the dorm--decked out like Beach Boys, BTW--trying to serenade the girls with "Sweet Caroline". Quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever witnessed.

And, while I love Idol, I totally know what you mean about this year just being wonky. There is a lot of talent, but I think the categories are doing that talent no justice. I love David Cook and just wish they'd cut the crap and give him the title already so he can go make records and put the rest of them out of their misery.

Oh, and I, too, love the new layout! Very writer-snob. ;) LOL

December said...

Whoa - (Found you via Ally K)
Neil Diamond is the great uniter, I just blogged about him also!

He has his own channel on Sirius Radio right now.