Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Fault In Our Stars, Or Why I Finally Read a Book About Cancer (And Am So Glad I Did.)

Bon nuit, Mes Anges! Ooh, mixing it UP! That's because for once, I am actually blogging at night. And there are few things that can make me open my computer for Things That Are Not Twitter And/Or Celebrity Gossip Related.


Britney's conservatorship is up any day now, y'all. SHE COULD BE SHAVING HER HEAD AS WE SPEAK!

But today I finished reading John Green's THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, and I wanted to talk about it, and hey, what is my blog if not a place to talk about anything that strikes my fancy? First off, let me say this: I do not read books about cancer. It's something of a rule of mine. No matter how brilliant said books may be, or how moving, I want nothing to do with them.


I SAID "brilliant" and "moving." SIT DOWN, SPARKS.

As I've talked about on the blog before, cancer killed my dad when I was 17. (Specifically, skin cancer so, for the love of Pete, kids, WEAR YOUR SUNBLOCK.) This, I think, makes cancer the Count Rugen to my Inigo Montoya.


Does this even really NEED the caption?

And as much as I'd love to slash cancer in the face and then stab it a whole bunch, it's a disease, not a person, so I can't. And when you live with cancer, have had it go off like a nuclear blast in the middle of your family, have had it steal someone you loved so very, very much, you have- I think understandably- Feelings RE: Cancer that are both strong and weird.

And I think my aversion to Books About Cancer is all tied up in those strong, weird feelings. Part of that is because when my dad died, lovely, well-meaning people gave me journals, knowing that I loved to write. And time and time again, they said, "One day, you'll write about this."


Sadly, none of the journals looked like this. Because that would've cheered me right on up, lemme tell you.

Even then, I flinched pretty hard at that. I knew what they meant, and I knew it was said with all the love in the world, but the idea of taking the experience of my dad's illness and death- something so devastating, but still weirdly joyous, something so complicated with every emotion under the sun- and then... I don't know, turning it into something for public consumption...it just wasn't something I could ever- or will ever- do.

And, I mean, my dad got sick the summer before I started high school. He died the summer before my senior year of high school. The dates were 3 years and 2 weeks apart, which is why July remains something of a cursed month for my family. If I wrote that in a book, I'm sure an editor would be all, "UM, HEAVY-HANDED WITH THE SYMBOLISM MUCH, HAWKINS?"

But that's the thing. It wasn't a book, it was my life. And unlike a book, there's no easy answer, no magical moment when I looked up and saw a rainbow and thought, "Oh yes, my dad died, and that is sad, but life goes on, and so shall I." It was, and remains, a strange, twisty thing too complicated to sort out. Would I have still become a writer if my dad were still around? is that what pushed me into this ten years down the line? I know it made me a different person, but how?

I think, too, there's that weirdly possessive attitude we get when terrible things happen to us. Like, "How dare you write a book about cancer/a car accident/a national tragedy/a random bear attack/a Surprise!Mudslide if you didn't actually EXPERIENCE those things?"


Death By Surprise!Mudslide: An Actual Thing That Happens In This Movie.

And so when I see a book about cancer that seems particularly exploitative, or manipulative or whatever, I get even more, "Grrrr, CANCER BOOKS SMASH!" about the whole thing. Anyway, that's where I'm coming from as far as Books About Cancer are concerned. A lot of the time, they strike me as kind of cynical, the way certain movies can seem "Oscar Bait-y."

But even when I heard the premise of THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, I still wanted to read it, canceriness aside, because I loved John Green's stuff, and I thought, "If ANYONE can make me read a book about f***ing CANCER and NOT make me want to throw/maim things, it is John Green."

So this week, I bought it. I read it in a day. And I'm so, so glad I did.

I think part of the reason I could do this particular book was because there was some distance for me. This wasn't about a kid dealing with a sick parent, but rather, two sick kids dealing with the truly sh*t hand fate had dealt them. And while I could go on and on about how much Augustus and Hazel touched me as characters (because they did. Seriously, I loved those kids so hard), the biggest thing that struck me was how much John Green got it. What it's really like to live with terminal illness every day.

Sure, it's an unwanted house guest, and you wish it would hurry up and GTFO every single day, but that doesn't mean there aren't beautiful things hidden away in its suitcase. It doesn't mean you don't still laugh and find joy in stuff.

That was the thing The Mama and I used to talk about with Daddy: it was like everyone thought we were living these sad, tragic lives in a House of Death or something, and yes, there were days when it was very hard to be us. But there were still jokes and memories that I wouldn't trade anything for.

(Which actually brings me to another Cancer PSA/Aside: We had a lot of people who were more wonderful than I can ever express when Daddy was sick. And we also had people who stopped coming by because it was, "too sad." Mes Anges, if someone you love is living with someone dying of cancer...how can I put this delicately? Sack the eff up. I know it might make you sad. But let me guarantee you it is making THOSE PEOPLE DEALING WITH ACTUAL CANCER IN THEIR ACTUAL HOUSE a metric buttload sadder sometimes, and they might need you. Also, it'll be good for you. See below.)


The amazing thing is, there were still way more joyful days than sad ones. And I don't mean in the schmaltzy, Sparksian ways. We didn't, like, go on magical boat rides where we put wishes into bottles or whatever it is they do in those type of Cancer Books.


"What did you wish for, my love?"
"I...I...*sniff* I wished for more time."
"Seriously? Because I wished for a pony. But, um, a CANCER KILLING PONY."
"..."


Just the regular kind of happy days. Days like when my dad, who was in a wheelchair and had very slurred speech due to an aneurysm, had to show a photo ID for something. When the clerk said, eyebrows raised, "You have a driver's license?" Daddy looked him square in the face and drawled, "Yup. Scary, isn't it?"

Days when we made fun of The Waltons, which my dad watched obsessively. Days when we were just a regular family with a sadly not that irregular thing happening to us.

All this rambling is just to say that TFiOS captured that, and still managed to get across how grossly unfair cancer is. When Steve Jobs died, I said on Twitter that when cancer has taken someone you loved, you feel like everyone it takes was someone you loved. And look, I'm sure cancer has killed some real a-holes in its day, but doesn't it ALWAYS seem like it takes the best and brightest, the most loving and amazing of us?

And to take an experience that, for me, is something I'm still sorting out and processing 15 years later, and have me, the girl who will break out in hives at the THOUGHT of Cancer Books, tap the pages a think, "Yes. This is it. This is exactly what it's like"...well, that's something.

Of course, it also helps that the book is hilarious, and I probably laughed more than I cried, and at one point actually laughed WHILE crying, which was gross, but 100% worth it.

Which is why you should all read it.

Meanwhile, I'm sure that John Green is SO PSYCHED about my endorsement.


"Why, yes, I know that my book is popular. It just spent 2 weeks at #1 on the NYT list, but...who? Who said people should read it? Rachel Hawkins? I...do not know who that is. Oh wait, is that the girl who writes Bulgarian pornography?"


Yes. Yes it is, John Green.

Until next time! XOXO!

202 comments:

1 – 200 of 202   Newer›   Newest»
Anne Riley said...

Thanks for posting this, Rachel! I have never dealt with cancer in my family, but that's no guarantee I never will, and this book definitely sounds interesting. Also thanks for sharing your story--I did not know this about you, and I find it pretty amazing that you have been through this.

veela-valoom said...

I'm so glad you decided to share this. (Also glad someone else refers to the other type of Cancer Books with capital letters).

Crystal said...

3 of my 4 grandparents died from various forms of cancer and while I was not alive/really young when it happened, it still hurts to read stuff relating to it.

I loved this book SO MUCH that I'm already planning to re-read it again soon. I'm also glad I wasn't the only one that laughed while crying. It takes an amazing author to do that and there are some people out there who should read John Green and take pointers (yes, Sparks, I'm looking at you)

Sophie said...

Rachel -
I have few words left after reading your review. Thank you from all of us who have experienced the nightmare of cancer in our lives. Thank you for telling us to read this book anyway. I've been hesitant. Now I'm not.

Larissa said...

You are my hero in so many ways. (((hugs)))

Stephanie Perkins said...

A year ago, I had two friends diagnosed with cancer. One lives. One does not. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to read this either, but I trusted John to tell the right story. I agree with you — he did.

I'm so sorry about your father.

xoxo

Alison Cherry said...

Cancer took my dad when I was 18, and as I was reading this post, I was thinking, "Joy? I don't remember that part. Where are all my joyful memories?" And then I remembered the time my mom and sister bought a dart board and attached the names/pictures of all the people who had said and done really stupid things to us during his illness, then took it out in the back yard and threw pointy things at it. Yup. There's the joy.

I send you one million hugs.

Lo Hughes said...

This post was brilliant, Rachel! I lost my Dad to kidney cancer last year. There was only about two weeks between diagnosis and his passing, so it was pretty much the craziest time ever. But, it's also amazing how much joy was shared in those two weeks. It made picking up the pieces a lot easier. I read TFIOS the week it came out and adored it!

YA Bibliophile said...

Thank you so much for sharing this Rachel.

Alie said...

I think that your point about how you never saw rainbows and butterflies and had an epiphany about your father's death is an important one.

Death doesn't always feel like it has meaning. It doesn't always feel like there's a greater purpose. Sometimes death is just death, and it's horrible and hard and sad and frustrating and makes you just so terribly angry at the world and your helplessness.

If the time ever comes that you do feel inspired to write about your father's death, I for one would treasure an opportunity to read a story about how we never really "get over" it, and how we'll never know how it shapes us or changes us - but how it's still an experience in your life, and for better or worse, it's a part of you.

Anyway, so glad you liked TFiOS - I have my J-squiggled copy sitting at home and I'm hoping to read it this weekend!

Tina said...

Rachel! Hi!

I actually found you through John Green's link here.

Huge, huge John Green fan, but hey, guess what? I love your books too!

Wonderful review you gave TiFOS. I, too, am a no! bad! ew! cancer book! type of reader (thankfully not for the same reason as you. Very sorry to hear), however, when John said he was writing a book about cancer, I knew I would read a book about cancer.

Looking very forward to reading Spell Bound!

I'm 38 years old and cannot stop reading YA novels. Some day I'll mature... or not ;)

Tina

Monica Fumarolo said...

Cancer has been that unwanted, annoying, pain in the butt character that just won't leave my friends and family alone for a large portion of my life, and your words summed up the feelings that come with it so well. I generally have an aversion to Cancer Books as well, but John's book is one that I don't really put into that category.

Thanks so much for your words, it couldn't have been easy, and I'm so sorry for your father.

alolcat said...

hey! john green plugged your blog :D he liked your review very much! i just saw it on facebook via his page. :)

A. Knight said...

Oh, Rachel, if anyone can subtly convince me to read a book, it's totally you. Thanks, I'm so reading this.

Slingshot Smile said...

And yet, I read your review BECAUSE John Green himself posted about your review, so clearly he cares. There have been a lot of posts on the NerdFighter forums from families of those who have died of cancer, and some cancer survivors themselves, posting about TFiOS. You might enjoy the solidarity if you check it out. Excellent review of my favorite book. =]

auntie sash said...

For me, it's books about Alzheimer's. Been there. Changed the diapers. The Notebook pissed me off, yet I was sent about 12 copies by clue free relatives. Yeah - there are moments of grace to be found in horrible situations but they are NOT the kind of breakthrough beauty that Sparks spews forth.
I had faith that John Green would NOT write a Magical Disease book. He didn't disappoint me. The Fault in Our Stars was worth every tear.

Marisa said...

Hi! My friend gave me the link to your review and I am glad that she did. While I am younger then you we have a lot in common. When I was 17 my mother died of breast cancer(and to save you the details it was a very long journey that ended a month before my prom junior year when I was 17). I had the same apprehensions about the book because as a caregiver I feel like books or movies romanticize cancer and ignore what it is actually like. My love of John Green though caused me a bit of a dilemma. I decided to give it a try. Then I read it and could not believe how well Green captured how cancer affects people.

Also, on the note of writing about your experience. nobody in my family ever suggested writing but when I saw my high school psychologist she suggested it to me. I was not very good about opening up about how it affected me because I became "the woman" of the family and I was being given many expectations. I was afraid of upsetting my dad or my older brothers more because of how hard it was affecting my life. So I started a journal. The journal I don't plan on ever showing to anybody else but in these past almost 3 years it has been a great outlet for me. When the holidays roll around or my high school graduation, or moving into college that journal has in my mind been my connection to my mother.
I am not saying you should write but that writing at certain times can be very helpful.

So I guess thank you for being somebody else that understands how I feel. Nobody I know has had a similar experience or understands my apprehension to Cancer books.

-Marisa

Julia :) said...

Awwww this is a really beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your story! :)

Ruth said...

This is going on my tbr. Great post - which I found because of John Green's tweet : )

Anonymous said...

First of all, I hope you remember me. I'm one of Chantel's students, we met wine in hand poolside at the writer's conference. You know, the one who couldn't remember her high school senior writing partner's name (she LOVED your book by the way)? Yes, that's the one! Anyway, thank you so much for sharing this. I will most certainly have to take a look at this book. We lost my mother-in-law just a few months ago after her cancer came back for the third time. A close girlfriend lost her mother just weeks later. It's a horribly awful thing, that has touched just about everyone. Thank you for allowing me to laugh and cry while I read what you shared. And I'm incredibly sorry to hear you lost your dad at such a long way. Something tells me he is looking down right now and is quite proud. God bless!

Kristin Ellis

C.J. Redwine said...

*hugs* So blessed to know you. As someone who had cancer and was fortunate enough to go into remission, I too avoid cancer books. Because cancer is like ... my enemy. One I can't really hate because it doesn't have motives. But one I dread and look at sidewise often. I'm glad you had the experience of reading this book. I'm also glad I now know about your porny book. :) Love. xoxoxo

Tasha Seegmiller said...

I've been following you on twitter for a while and this is somehow the first time I'm making it to your blog and now following. This was an amazing post. Thanks.

Fred LeBaron said...

I'm so happy to have found your blog (from John Green's tweet!). I love your style and appreciate your thoughts. You are an awesome reviewer and writer, looking forward to knowing you more.

Jodi said...

Only you could have me laugh/crying over cancer having killed "some real a-holes in it's day." You rock on so many levels (I spelled that wrong and it autocorrected to 'elves' -- thought you'd appreciate). Anyhow, I just really love that you're willing to share some of yourself as well as a book recommendation that I am taking you up on tonight. Here that John Green???

finebyme said...

John Green is quite fond of your endorsement. And my friend burst into tears in the middle of math class, so you're most certainly not the only one.

Andrew Weiss said...

Popped over from John's tweet. Brilliant. DFTBA

Tameka said...

I loved everything about this post. Thank you Rachel.

Lisa Schroeder said...

I'm still thinking of Hazel and Gus days later. If I wasn't revising, I would reread the thing immediately.

But Rachel, you made fun of the WALTONS? How could you? They are a near perfect family, aren't they? I love them SO much. I would have gotten along great with your dad. I'm so sorry you lost him too soon.

starryeyedwonders said...

I read TFiOS in about a day. It at times crushed my heart into a thousand pieces and I sat on my couch crying my eyes out at how unfair life is sometimes, and THEY AREN'T EVEN REAL PEOPLE so I can't imagine dealing with what you did. It was a spectacular book dealing with a touchy subject.

Thanks for sharing!

elizabeth norris said...

My condolences and thank you for telling us such an intimate story. As a writer it is always difficult to tackle taboo topics, but I find it even more difficult to read them. Great, great insight.

fairybondage said...

Hi rachel!!! I love your books!!
Iam portuguese and I must say the new cover in the portuguese edition is just great! check it out!(google VIDRO DEMONIO (the portuguese title))
Kisses
fairyGi

Ashleigh said...

I felt the exact same way about this book. I've never had someone I was super close to die from cancer (except for one of my favorite teachers) but this book felt like it just got what the process was like. It didn't sugarcoat or BS, it didn't try to make it an unbearably sad and tragic event as Hollywood is wont to do. It just told Hazel's story is all it's wonderful and terrible glory.

Hazel says about An Imperial Affliction, that it feels like the book is about her. That the author gets what it's like. I think this book is going to be that exact same thing for so many people.

And you are not alone in laughing while crying. I sobbed through like the last third of the book and then would burst out laughing. Causing my dad to look over and ask if I was alright and then avert his eyes from my crying when I said I was so that I could weep in semi-privacy

Jen H said...

I'm so glad you posted your thoughts on this. I finished TFiOS weeks ago but I can't bring myself to write a review. I recommend it to EVERYONE, but I've had a hard time putting words to my emotions about this book. I also think I laughed more than I cried, and of course laughed while crying... did I mention I was on an airplane. Augh!

I loved that you shared this... Thank you!
~ Jen @ A Book and a Latte

Rachel said...

I also really enjoyed this book. I never before read a book with characters with cancer, but i gave it a chance because my nerdfighting friend loved it.

Another Rachel

AmandaMqn said...

I lost my Dad to colon cancer almost 3 months ago. Time between diagnosis and death? 3 years and 5 weeks. The five weeks he was on hospice are both the most wonderful and the most awful of my 29 years. I start seeing a therapist next week to help me process but I'm told it'll truly take the rest of my life to do so.

I just devoured the Hex Hall books in two days. Googled you and found this, it's fate..or something. Off to purchase John Green's book.

Jenny said...

Beautifully said! There is cancer on both sides of my family including my mom, so I agree with you on avoiding cancer books. But I also read TFiOS and was blown away by it - truly a remarkable book. So I appreciate your endorsement of the book as well as sharing your experience with all of us. Thank you.

And BTW, I just finished Spell Bound and your series is now among my favorites. I can't count the number of times I laughed out loud (and of course teared up with Cal at the end). Great story! Great characters! Thank you so much for these books! :)

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